I woke up with a start, and adjusted my sight to the faint light that
was entering my room through the glass window. The room was dark; I
switched on my mobile to see “5:45 pm” in italics on the screen saver.
I remembered checking the time around 2 in the afternoon; I might have
dozed off some time ahead of that. I moved out of the couch and
switched on the light, to find my room completely messed up, unlike a
girls room, but I never acted normal my whole life anyways. The coffee
mug lay half-filled near the couch, the table was full of cosmetics,
papers, mobile charger, passport, checked in tickets and unpaid bills.
The bed lay strewn with clothes, lingerie, an open suitcase and the
pillows, at odd angles in between all this mess. It was shivering
cold, so I put on a sweater and socks, searching them first out of the
mess. I stepped into the stone cold bathroom, and looked into the
mirror, after more than 3 hours of sleep, I still looked tired,
drained. I washed my face with the cold tap water and planned a whole
lot of things at the back of my mind, in order to clear the mess, not
only from my room but also from my life.
At around quarter to 8 at night, I had cleaned my bedroom, clicked
some buttons on the lappy and paid the bills , vacuumed the kitchen
and the small dining that my apartment could occupy, along with an
empty guest bedroom. I felt even more tired and nauseated, so ordered
for some Chinese food from a nearby food joint. I made myself a cup
of coffee and settled into the balcony of my 12th floor apartment,
overlooking the beautiful and green Nagpur city. This was my ongoing
5th year in the city, I had come into it, as an immature 16 year old
girl, and after 5 years, had changed myself in to a workaholic adult.
Every time I gazed into the twinkling lights of the city, I was
reminded of the good times that I was blessed with, until one and a
half year back. There was hardly any food joint in the city that I
hadn’t been to , there was no road I hadn’t gone through , either by
purpose or by being lost, there was not a day since last 5 years , on
which I hadn’t loved this city, but all this wasn’t alone. I was
always with “him”, we were a couple and were always together, and I
was used to it. I cherished my days, knowing that he was always a
small ride away.
But things had changed; he was now a long ride away. He had shifted to
Singapore, after completing his graduation in Nagpur. He was still
there, around me, but, in my thoughts, on the cell phone, through his
web cam, through his care. I was left alone now, in this city, in
which we had experienced and believed the true magic of love. It’s
weird how sometimes just an assurance of somebody’s presence, can
strengthen you from within. But its absence can also shake your
approach towards living your own life.
I had completed my graduation a year back, completed an additional
degree in English Literature a few months back. I am an artist. I
teach my art, earn money through my art, and worship my art. It is the
only thing, which could take me out of the prevailing pain of being
away from him, no more sharing my life with him. So I worked, day and
night, every moment in which my heart ached for him. I worked,
practiced, travelled, taught, and kept my mind working all the time.
It had been going along for last 6 months. But I wasn’t growing any
better; I was growing more and more weak, not only by mind but also by
my body. I skipped meals, avoided outings, avoided friends, repelled
happiness. Because, all these things reminded me of him. Even my smile
reminded me, how much he loved it. So I despised all of this, and I
worked, day and night for weeks, now for months.
He mailed me couple of times a day, we video chatted, talked on the
phone. But each time, my eyes shed tears, on hearing his soft voice,
on watching his face, on reading the words he wrote. He tried
everything to get me over the pain, the crying, the sadness, but I
wasn’t responding. After so many months, he was finally fed up of it.
He was happy with his new life, though he missed me too, and loved me
the same, he knew the rules of life, of parting, and he played his
role well. But I still held him back, somewhere, into the past, not
letting him welcome the new life which he had entered. It was because
I cherished, our past so much, that I was not ready to let it go. Last
night, we had a long conversation, and he stood by his thoughts, his
anger, and his frustration with me. It struck me like a bolt of
lightning, but I knew since long that it was heading towards me,
although I was not ready to face it. I was still settling into every
word he had said last night, as I heard it loud and clear in my mind.
The doorbell rang, and I could already smell the steaming food. I
fetched my wallet, opened the door for the delivery boy standing
outside, bill in one hand and food boxes in another. I was retrieving
the change from my wallet, when a crisp, dried flower fell down from
it. I took the boxes and held the delicate flower in my hand. It not
only brought back memories to my mind but also brought a lost smile.
It was the winter, of 2009. He was going for a vacation, to his
relatives in Gujarat for two long weeks, just a day after I had
arrived from a month long tour. We had already been out of contact for
a month, and there was still half a month to pass in the same manner.
All the way to the station and till the moment the train started
moving, he kept on retrieving these tiny flowers from, God- knows-
where, and handed me each one of them every few seconds, with as
beautiful words as were the flowers. On my way back to the parking lot
I had around forty of them, dangling in the scarf in which I put them.
It was magic, which held me from crying on his departure.
At that very moment when I was smiling, rewinding the memory, in the
visuals of my mind, I longed for him, just to share it with him, share
the memory with him, all over again. But I restrained. I had switched
off my lappy, my mobile, every possible connection with him since the
conversation, at first out of anger, but later following it as a stern
decision, to recover. I had to make a fresh start; I could no more
lead a deteriorating life, fearing all the time of his memories to
take over my senses, my mind and my life. The memories which should
have strengthened me were instead weakening me. It was discrimination
on my part, at my hands, and it was high time now. I could no more run
away. I knew the way out, I just had to muster courage and walk
through the winding path.
As it had happened frequently since last six months, I put down the
food on the table, untouched, as the hunger had died, in minutes of
its arrival into the apartment. I took my over coat, pulled a scarf
around my neck , locked the house and took a lift to the ground floor
, where in the parking lot stood my new car, the only thing, which in
the last six months had brought some freshness into my life. But my
mood reflected in it too, if it wasn’t for these six months I would
have bought a black, white or red car instead of the brown one
standing in front of me. Colors best describe your mood. Sometimes you
paint them to showcase the mood, the thought. Other times, your mind
automatically shows likeness for the color that best suits your mood,
I had read this somewhere. But I loved it the same nevertheless. I
switched on the heater; the temperature was falling to 4degrees in the
start of December this year. I zoomed my way carefully out of the
circular exit path of the parking lot, and finally entered into the
heavy traffic that populated the wide street. I was going nowhere just
randomly choosing between lanes, signals and flow of the traffic. A
few minutes later I was around the most happening places of the city,
which obviously was packed with youngsters. Though they were just a
few years younger to me, and a few of them seemed of my age too, I
found myself out of place. May be because, all of them had that
energy, enthusiasm, enjoyment in their faces, gestures, body
–language, which was negligible in me since the last couple of months
. But since right now, I was changing things for myself; I decided to
wait, parked the car and waited in it for a moment, thinking where to
go. There was a whole range of shops lined out in the complex. Drinks,
ice-cream, fast food, chat, which was why, this, had been my favorite
hangout spot till just a few months back. I started to slip back into
the innumerable memories I had here, in each of the shops, not only
with him, but also with my best pals. But I wanted to wean myself off
these memories and the sadness they brought to me, so, I did not
succumb to them, and headed out of the car, into the chill which blew
through my face and bare hands.
I chose a comparatively less silent cocktail shop and sat over the
last high stool of the arc in the corner, ordered a drink while
listening to a jazz number that was being played in the background.
The café was mostly occupied by young men watching a football match
going live on the television. There were also a few couples huddled in
the dark leather couches, which were lavishly set against the brown
and burgundy interiors of the café. I shifted my gaze to a loner like
me, sitting a few stools away, staring somewhere far off into the wall
of the café, wearing a tweed black and green sweater. He looked around
my age, with short black hair, and handsome features. Held a drink in
his hand, and seemed to be engrossed in contemplation. My drink
arrived and I shifted my gaze to the drink, which tasted wonderful,
giving me a fresh lime flavor with a pinch of mint. After a few more
glances at him, I ordered another soft drink, and tried to connect
with the music being played. While looking around at the interiors of
the café, I suddenly found him scribbling something on a tissue paper,
carefully and intently. While I sipped down my drink, and wondered
about him, the waitress came to me, handing me a tissue paper, with
something scribbled on it in blue ink.
“To, the gal, sitting five-stools-away,
Stare into your life, just the way you were staring at me, just the
way I was staring into mine a few minutes back. Find the real reason
behind the loneliness you are engulfing into.
Overcome your fear! I just did!
P.S: loners on Saturday nights are very rare but obvious to read,
especially to each other.”
I stared a few moments, at the thin tissue, my breathing surprisingly
scaling high. I dared not, to look around. The stranger had not only
noticed me staring at him, but also read me through. After probably a
few minutes, I stared back at the loners’ empty stool. It wasn’t a
surprise to find it empty, but I looked around and out of the shop to
get a final glance of the stranger. But I found none. I went numb, and
my senses froze. The reality was falling over me; suddenly “his” final
goodbye at the airport, my loneliness, my travel, my ceaseless work,
my grueling life for the last six months, all of it crowded my mind. I
had thrown myself into a whirlwind tornado for the last six months. I
was just spinning around, without any direction, without any purpose.
I had abandoned myself. I wasn’t letting myself to be the real ME, who
was filled with happiness, with strength to face the troubles, and
find ‘good’ in every ‘bad’. Since last six months, I feared the mere
thought of standing alone and facing life along with its troubles, all
alone. My support was gone and I was afraid of falling. So I stooped
low and held myself at one place, unable to move ahead and face, what
life had in store for me.
All this came within me, as is it was hidden somewhere beneath, and
had busted and showered upon me like a fountain. I was drenched with
my own thoughts. I had let the truth come out today, I had faced the
fear which dwelled within me since he left. I felt the same relief and
peace, you feel, when you wake up one sunny morning , after a hectic
yesterday, after a silent night of sleep, in which your body restores
your mind , your body and your soul to make a fresh start to the day .
To leave the past behind and make a new beginning , just the way we
welcome the rainy season after long months of summer. I woke up after
six months.
I drained my glass, and paid the bill. Held the scribbled tissue in my
hand, and stepped out into the cold wind, hugging my body, to restore
the warmth. All around me i could hear laughter, see happy faces. I
could feel a positive aura around me, swirling around with the merry
wind. I had finally found the peace, and the energy, which I had lost
a while back. I was absorbing the positivity I found around me. While
walking back to my car, I looked around into the innumerable memories
I had made in these places, as a teenager, as a birthday girl, as a
mischief maker. I could see him, my pals, and me, laughing, dancing,
chatting, eating, having fun, in different corners of the various
shops, and unlike last six months, I was smiling to myself,
remembering all of them, who were my pillars, my gang. In this passing
moment I realized, that they still were the same to me, and shall
always be. It was me who ran away not them. We would always be the
same, over distances, over differences, and over life.
I sat in my car, and opened the windows, before driving back into the
traffic lane. I was born into this world, in this season of winter,
and today I was reborn into my life, in the same season of
celebrations. Just the way, this city had changed since the time I
entered it, people changed, priorities changed, I changed. Seasons
never change, and so do the love, zest and peace they bring, stay the
same, along with you, forever. The stranger had come into my life like
a breeze. I couldn’t see him coming, nor could I see him leave, all I
had was the message he whispered to me, which brought me back into my
life.
Whenever you lose yourself to something, always remember that there is
a breeze, which will come to you in some form or the other, and tell
you the right path you are meant to be on. Just wait for it to come,
and when it does, believe the message it whispers into your ears.
